A little over 18 years ago, a beautiful baby girl was sent from heaven on wings of angels. When she first entered this world, all she did was blink. And blink and blink. The good doctor decided she needed a little encouragement to stretch her lungs but she didn't comply for long. Her mellow personality has been an integral part of her ever since. It is only broken when she feels an injustice is being perpetrated. Sadly, I am a bumbling fool who more times then not deserves such indignation. Patience. I am still in remedial school for the parents of teenagers. And it's likely I'll be taking the class over and yet again.
As graduation approaches, I am amazed that these wrapping up days have come so soon. Wasn't she two just a little bit ago? I used to sing to her and read stories at bedtime. She was so yummy to snuggle. She loved to play with her dad, climbing on his back to play horsey and wrestle. Usually you could find her playing in the kitchen drawers or poking the kitty. It wasn't too long before she was sharing the limelight with a baby brother. But so many times she was complimented on her beautiful curls and long lashes.
Wasn't she four recently? We learned the alphabet together. We would draw pictures and make crafty things. Making cookies was so fun. She would have little adventures outside in the backyard with her brother, digging in the sandbox and riding her tricycle. When it snowed we tried to make a snowman. Hours were spent playing with dollies. If it was quiet, usually you could find her tying the kitty to the door handle or maybe even her brothers.
Wasn't she six just yesterday? We would go to the park as a family and enjoy picnics. We often played with cousins. Many days she would be playing outside, planting seeds or coloring the sidewalk with chalk. She probably just remembers having to clean her room. I remember sending her to kindergarten on the first day. I was so excited for her. I am sure she was scared but she acted so brave. It wasn't her strong point to be out-going. When she came home, there were tears in my eyes knowing she survived and realizing what a big girl she was. Why couldn't she stay little forever?
My little girl is eight? How is that so? She looked so beautiful and uncannily wise in her white baptismal dress. She has always been so observant about how the world functions. At this tender age she was so thoughtful toward her siblings, watching over them, playing games with them and loving them. Many times I would witness her tenderness. She became an avid reader devouring loads of library books. She had a special friend, Olivia whom shared like interests. Once they grew some pumpkins at the park down the road.
Ten?? She loved to come with me to ride the horses. She has always been a natural. Caring for creatures has help mold her into the compassionate person she is today. She had a goat named Autumn she took great care of. She also enjoyed caring for the kitties, dog and chickens. She would play out in the fields, on the chicken house and carting the kids around on an old pull-cart. She would help me take care of the horses and we would go on rides around the field.
My little girl was now a young woman. At twelve she enjoyed learning new cooking skills. Once she made a baked Alaska for her little sister. It was magnificent! She was spreading her wings and tasting all the possibilities of life. She learned to play the flute which would later take her on adventures to California and even Hawaii. She grew in her talents and abilities while always caring for those around her. She became the big sister to twins. What a life saver she was. But did it dampened her growth? I guess I won't know.
Fourteen?? She helped to care for Ginger's puppies and earned enough money to buy Twix. She did an awesome job taking care of her and training her. During this time she worked on her personal progress and her testimony of the Gospel deepened. She started high school and joined the marching band. She became even busier.
Sweet sixteen and it's time to drive. She passed her driver's ed with flying colors. She began work at KFC. We see less and less of her. She always looked so beautiful for every dance she attended with a young man. Her values are strengthened as she makes deep commits for her future life away from home. She excels in school and increases her flute playing talent. She decides that nursing may be her chosen occupation. How that just fits her!
Eighteen, and finally her bumbling mother gives her a surprise birthday party. It was so great to see the love her friends have for her. We go together to vote early. My how grown my daughter is. More often tears fill my eyes seeing how amazing she has become. How seldom I have told her how proud I am of her, at least in ways she believes me. Now she is contemplating a mission which she has desired over since she was young. How strong she is. Yet how tender as well.
Here I am realizing how little time there is left before she is off on her own. I watched her band concert in which they honor the seniors. Tears again filled my eyes. How grown up she is! Big plans she has for a mission and nursing school. Will she ever realize how proud I am of her. How dearly I have loved this child, though many mistakes I have made. This tribute is to you daughter, lest you ever forget!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Baby-steps
I have been debating whether to sell my six-year old horse, Red. Last year, I burned myself out trying to complete my goal of getting him up into the mountains on trail rides. My body just doesn't seem to have the fortitude it once had and I have had a hard time learning my limitations. My brain wants to do so much more than my body has strength. Lately, I am learning to lean on the Lord for strength, though and perhaps I will be afforded this strength as I continue to work with Red, as I ask for it.
I also have been asking the Lord for guidance in my life, wanting to learn to a greater degree how to receive inspiration, revelation and guidance in my life, especially as I have a desire to serve the Lord. I have been studying the Doctrine & Covenants this year and have found a great complementary resource as I study: Revelations of the Restoration, by Joseph Fielding McConkie. I was in the middle of the commentary about Oliver Cowdrey translating the Golden Plates, sections 7-9, when I had some interesting experiences which I will now relate.
Earlier in the week, I was busily vacuuming my dining room and went over to the tile area by the door to the garage. I was leaning over using the noozle in the tile grout lines when I had a thought come to me that Paul was going to open the door. I quickly brushed away the thought since it seemed like an odd time for Paul to be home and continued to vacuum, shifting my body (I have always had a fear of the door knob being slammed into the side of my head). Not two seconds later, Paul opens the door running into the vacuum! I stared at him in utter amazement. I then quickly told him why I was so shocked and for the next little while, I tried to memorize what that first warning thought felt like.
A few days later, I was solidifying a song "Into the West" that I would be playing at the Ward talent show Saturday night with a friend. She would be playing the harp and I would be on my flute. We practiced together and I felt pretty good about doing it. I also scheduled a block of time to ride my horses at a friend's pasture Saturday around 11am. It seems like it was on Friday morning, that I had a fleeting thought/image of me hurting my arm while riding my horses so that I could not play my flute after all for the talent show. I have had fatalistic thoughts in the past about my welfare so I just brushed it off as my imagination running wild.
I didn't think much more of it but continued with my plans. After I came home from a morning soccer game, I cleaned my kitchen, thinking it would be better to do it earlier then after I ride because of my full schedule (going to the dump and preparing spaghetti all before the 5:30pm Dinner/Talent show). I head out to the pasture to ride with my oldest daughter in tow.
We get to the pasture and we hitch up very quickly. A minor mishap of trailer brakes being locked is quickly remedied with a phone call: unplug the trailer lights. We load up Red and Shadow. They seem eager go on a trip. Romy seems exceptionally frantic being left behind. We get to the pasture five minutes later and unload the horses. Red is pretty nervous to be left in the trailer by himself and quickly wants to fix that "oversight" by spinning around inside the trailer, leaving it shaking. He quivers for a bit while I stand in the apex of the slant-load, wondering if he is going to step back and squish me. We both shakily get out of the trailer.
I decide it would be best if he has a long session in the round pen. He runs for quite a while on his own accord, shaking off the winter cobwebs. After about 20 minutes, I pull him out as him seems more level headed. I tie him up to the trailer and tack him up. I marvel at how much better he is doing then the same time the year previous. I finish getting him equipped and we head out to the arena. I decided I would lounge him a bit inside the arena just to reacquaint him with side reins and the arena ambiance. After going both directions for a couple minutes, praising him for doing so well, I tie him off to the side of his saddle to limber up his neck muscles. While he is doing this, I take my extra equipment over to the side of the arena, getting my helmet in the process. It's time to mount up.
I hop on and ride for about ten minutes, walking, trotting over poles and cantering on direction. He seems fairly unbalanced to the left so I decide I'll try the other direction. Before I do this though, I am feeling winded and hot so I stop and put the reins crossed over his withers in preparation to take my sweatshirt off. Halfway through pulling off my sweatshirt, I realize I am doing a couple really stupid things. First, you never let go off your reins on a young horse, and number two, because I have not sufficiently "sacked out" my horse, taking a sweatshirt off, raising it over the head, would scare any horse into flight instinct. I could feel him with my legs starting to hunch but I had already jumped into the fire. Either I put the sweatshirt back on or finished taking it off. (This is all split-second decision making.)
I decided to take it the rest of the way off. As my head came out of the opening, I could see Red's ears flicking back and him tossing his head a bit. I knew what was coming and reached for the very distant reins. Too late. Two bucks later I was on the ground, face down. I had landed on my hands and then chest. My sweatshirt was halfway across the arena and my horse was loose. My friend caught him and proceeded to give him a lesson while I shifted to my back wondering what was hurt. When my head cleared, I could tell that I had landed pretty hard on my wrist but it didn't hurt yet. Another friend brought me some Advil and some ice for my wrist which she wrapped with an Ace bandage. I sat for a while until I felt like I could walk.
I got back on Red for a bit and then we packed up and went home. My friend helped me a great deal during that process. I went with my husband to get my wrist checked out: no broken bones! But my wrist was in pain so they gave me a brace. I ended up playing my flute that night, though it was difficult, because I didn't want to let my harpist friend down.
I have asked the Lord, what am I to learn from this experience? It seems like the thought I would get hurt wasn't a warning, just a matter of fact statement. Part of me is afraid. This kind of information seems overwhelming. I can understand how Oliver might have been afraid after having the opportunity to translate. But most of all, I want to know how to better communicate with God. How can I use what I have learned to better this desire. I will ponder on this. Perhaps there will be a follow-up post.
I also have been asking the Lord for guidance in my life, wanting to learn to a greater degree how to receive inspiration, revelation and guidance in my life, especially as I have a desire to serve the Lord. I have been studying the Doctrine & Covenants this year and have found a great complementary resource as I study: Revelations of the Restoration, by Joseph Fielding McConkie. I was in the middle of the commentary about Oliver Cowdrey translating the Golden Plates, sections 7-9, when I had some interesting experiences which I will now relate.
Earlier in the week, I was busily vacuuming my dining room and went over to the tile area by the door to the garage. I was leaning over using the noozle in the tile grout lines when I had a thought come to me that Paul was going to open the door. I quickly brushed away the thought since it seemed like an odd time for Paul to be home and continued to vacuum, shifting my body (I have always had a fear of the door knob being slammed into the side of my head). Not two seconds later, Paul opens the door running into the vacuum! I stared at him in utter amazement. I then quickly told him why I was so shocked and for the next little while, I tried to memorize what that first warning thought felt like.
A few days later, I was solidifying a song "Into the West" that I would be playing at the Ward talent show Saturday night with a friend. She would be playing the harp and I would be on my flute. We practiced together and I felt pretty good about doing it. I also scheduled a block of time to ride my horses at a friend's pasture Saturday around 11am. It seems like it was on Friday morning, that I had a fleeting thought/image of me hurting my arm while riding my horses so that I could not play my flute after all for the talent show. I have had fatalistic thoughts in the past about my welfare so I just brushed it off as my imagination running wild.
I didn't think much more of it but continued with my plans. After I came home from a morning soccer game, I cleaned my kitchen, thinking it would be better to do it earlier then after I ride because of my full schedule (going to the dump and preparing spaghetti all before the 5:30pm Dinner/Talent show). I head out to the pasture to ride with my oldest daughter in tow.
We get to the pasture and we hitch up very quickly. A minor mishap of trailer brakes being locked is quickly remedied with a phone call: unplug the trailer lights. We load up Red and Shadow. They seem eager go on a trip. Romy seems exceptionally frantic being left behind. We get to the pasture five minutes later and unload the horses. Red is pretty nervous to be left in the trailer by himself and quickly wants to fix that "oversight" by spinning around inside the trailer, leaving it shaking. He quivers for a bit while I stand in the apex of the slant-load, wondering if he is going to step back and squish me. We both shakily get out of the trailer.
I decide it would be best if he has a long session in the round pen. He runs for quite a while on his own accord, shaking off the winter cobwebs. After about 20 minutes, I pull him out as him seems more level headed. I tie him up to the trailer and tack him up. I marvel at how much better he is doing then the same time the year previous. I finish getting him equipped and we head out to the arena. I decided I would lounge him a bit inside the arena just to reacquaint him with side reins and the arena ambiance. After going both directions for a couple minutes, praising him for doing so well, I tie him off to the side of his saddle to limber up his neck muscles. While he is doing this, I take my extra equipment over to the side of the arena, getting my helmet in the process. It's time to mount up.
I hop on and ride for about ten minutes, walking, trotting over poles and cantering on direction. He seems fairly unbalanced to the left so I decide I'll try the other direction. Before I do this though, I am feeling winded and hot so I stop and put the reins crossed over his withers in preparation to take my sweatshirt off. Halfway through pulling off my sweatshirt, I realize I am doing a couple really stupid things. First, you never let go off your reins on a young horse, and number two, because I have not sufficiently "sacked out" my horse, taking a sweatshirt off, raising it over the head, would scare any horse into flight instinct. I could feel him with my legs starting to hunch but I had already jumped into the fire. Either I put the sweatshirt back on or finished taking it off. (This is all split-second decision making.)
I decided to take it the rest of the way off. As my head came out of the opening, I could see Red's ears flicking back and him tossing his head a bit. I knew what was coming and reached for the very distant reins. Too late. Two bucks later I was on the ground, face down. I had landed on my hands and then chest. My sweatshirt was halfway across the arena and my horse was loose. My friend caught him and proceeded to give him a lesson while I shifted to my back wondering what was hurt. When my head cleared, I could tell that I had landed pretty hard on my wrist but it didn't hurt yet. Another friend brought me some Advil and some ice for my wrist which she wrapped with an Ace bandage. I sat for a while until I felt like I could walk.
I got back on Red for a bit and then we packed up and went home. My friend helped me a great deal during that process. I went with my husband to get my wrist checked out: no broken bones! But my wrist was in pain so they gave me a brace. I ended up playing my flute that night, though it was difficult, because I didn't want to let my harpist friend down.
I have asked the Lord, what am I to learn from this experience? It seems like the thought I would get hurt wasn't a warning, just a matter of fact statement. Part of me is afraid. This kind of information seems overwhelming. I can understand how Oliver might have been afraid after having the opportunity to translate. But most of all, I want to know how to better communicate with God. How can I use what I have learned to better this desire. I will ponder on this. Perhaps there will be a follow-up post.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
The Light from Above
Before we came to earth, our Heavenly Father presented a majestic plan: the Great Plan of Happiness. God would create an earth in which we would dwell. We, His spirit children, were to go to earth, receive a body, and learn all that is needful, to be able to take all the necessary steps to return to our Father and become like Him. Our first parents, Adam and Eve, would pave the way for us to begin mortality. Blessed Eve, though she was deceived by that great serpent, set in motion the propagation of seed. Inevitably, we also, would make mistakes and because of our fallen nature would be unable to return to our Maker. But, because of our Father's great love for us, He also provided a Savior, Jesus Christ, who would atone for our sins, sorrows and heartache. As we utilize this power, by exercising faith, repenting of our sins and being baptized, we are washed clean again, through proper Priesthood authority. We enter at the gate of heaven, to continue forward, partaking of all necessary covenants to qualify for the Lord's presence predicated on our righteousness.
When we came to this earth as a child, we are sent to families of all sorts of circumstances, according to our Father's foreknowledge. We were not left alone. Deep inside all of humanity, at the core of our being, rests a gift from our Eternal Father: the light of Christ. This light is like the brilliant rays of the sun, streaming gently down from heaven, warming our hearts and lighting our minds.
This Light of Christ is our conscience. Each of us has the ability to judge right from wrong as we heed this influence. Moroni states in the Book of Mormon:
“The Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. . . . And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged”
(Moroni 7:16, 18).
There are times when our soul fleetingly touches an echo of a memory. Earth life seems foreign all of the sudden. Perhaps we feel deep down that we are strangers here. Maybe we groan inside for a deep satisfying love that remains unquenched. We yearn for understanding and enlightenment. Somehow we remember a supernal peace which has yet to be replicated. We are ever searching for these lost memories.
Suddenly from above, a ray of truth pierces your soul.
That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.
John 1:9
This light, the Light of Christ, speaks to our souls, igniting the flickering flame of faith.
As we taste the goodness of this light we begin to desire more. We begin
to remember the forgotten strains of hymns sung long ago as we listen
to truth. We feel the warmth and long for forgotten arms to envelope our
souls in a comforting embrace. We see the miraculous beauties that
surround us, as we traverse each new day, and know they come from the
Masterful Creator. Our soul awakens, as we heed these quiet whisperings
of truth.
There IS something more. This I testify. This truth is contained in the gospel of Jesus Christ for ALL to partake of. His church IS restored in its fullness. We may have the constant companion of the Spirit if we so qualify. We CAN return to our Ever Loving Father. We just need to take the necessary steps. I pray that we have the courage to do so, In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
I believe in Christ
I cannot remember a time when I did not believe in Jesus Christ. I have had to deepen my knowledge and love through study but He has blessed me with experiences and tender mercies as well. I know He lives and watches over me.
The foundation of my belief began with the creation. As a child, I used to go outside in the morning and wander through the backyard enjoying the spring sun rays lighting up the tulips, daffodils and spring grass. There was a little patch of violets and some wild roses. We had a little crab-apple tree and pear tree that I remember fertilizing because I thought that would make them grow better. At least make the crab-apples taste like juicy sweet apples?!
My mother gave me a plot in the family garden. I was so disappointed when my zinnias didn't grow very well (mine was in the shadier part). My twin brothers plot was a miracle-grow commercial. We had a beautiful lilac tree that I would wait impatiently to bloom each spring. I knew every corner of our little yard. I would dig through the dirt examining the potato bugs, worms and slugs breathing in the warm scented air. We would play for hours on the tire awing, playing matchbox cars in the dirt and pretending we lived in the Amazon rainforest.
I would incessantly bug my parents for animals but they only conceded to hamsters. I would sneak cats into the house which inadvertently caused an nasty explosion in the flea population. My dad suffered through it silently. I would constantly dream of horses running through my backyard. I had an imaginary horse named Sundusk that lived in the covered porch outside my second story room. He had beautiful flowing flaxen mane and tail contrasting with a chestnut body. Eventually (when I was all grown up) I was able to own cats, dogs, chickens, goats, and horses.
I knew these were gifts from above and I reveled in the beauty of God's creations.
I have always loved Spring because of the renewal of life and the increasing light that shines forth longer each day. My spirits rise when it is sunny outside and my body is invigorated by the light. Many times I have considered the solitary life bringing essence of the sun. If there was one thing that I could choose to contemplate and know that God exists, it is simply the sun. The symbolism for Christ is inherent.
Sun: life bringer: Son
Sun: light: Son
Sun: warmth: Son
Sun: healer: Son
Sun: energy: Son
Sun: center: Son
The stars have also fascinated me and as I have learned more about them and the immensity of space, the billions of stars and millions of galaxies, my feeble mind can hardly comprehend the majesty of our great Creator. And His sole purpose? Us!
After I bought Romy, I toyed with the idea of breeding her. She has great bloodlines and a great temperament, as well as other good qualities. I waited for a few years after I purchased her to breed her, wanting my personal life to be less hectic (ie no tiny babies). After we bought the Ranch, there was a free space in the schedule and so I bred her to a nice palomino stud. I enjoyed dreaming of all the free time I would have to enjoy my horses. Then I did something stupid. I told God I was bored. . .
I found out I was pregnant in September '06. Not too much later, I called the doctor crying because I was bleeding. He had me schedule an ultrasound. To my utter amazement, not only was I still pregnant, but there were two. TWO pepperoni's. All my planning flew out the window. During the ensuing months, I tried to imagine how I would witness the birth of my foal (one of my greatest desires) knowing that my due date and my horses due date were about the same time.
Life continued. I got bigger. My mare got bigger. She ate, slept, drank and relaxed. I ate, drank, chased six kids, didn't sleep so well and got HUGE. I was put on modified bed rest starting my 28th week. Since I wasn't going to be able to do anything during that time, I made sure everything was taken care of beforehand, including cleaning the entire living room and shopping for another car-seat a few days before the deadline. I remember walking around babyrus thinking how much it hurt- not like the other babies of mine.
Needless to say, I must have been doing too much and my body started going into labor. Thankfully, my mother was at my house that Sunday night, helping out. Paul and I left for the hospital and the rest is history. Two cute little baby boys were born in the wee hours of the morning, eleven weeks too early. I remember leaving the hospital when I was checked out two days later, thinking: will I bring these little babies home? Paul and I were afraid.
I spent the next ten weeks going to the hospital once a day, pumping every three to four hours, trying to take care of my other wee ones and sometimes thinking about my little mare. At least, I thought, I won't be lugging a pregnant body down to the barnyard to foal watch. During this time, I pleaded with the Lord that my boys would be OK. I also asked God if it would be alright to see Romy's baby born. I wasn't sure if he heard me but I hoped I would be able to.
The last couple days before the boys came home were very busy. I was going to the hospital twice a day and would soon stay at the hospital two nights in a row. Bryce was also baptized the day before the boys came home. Oh, and Romy still hadn't foaled out. She was two weeks over her due date.
I would go out to check on her after I came home from the hospital and watch her for about half an hour before I would give up to try and get some sleep before the next pumping. I got to where I just told myself to expect a baby in the morning (the majority of foals are born during the night- a storm and full moon help too).
I spent the night at the hospital on Sat to practice taking care of the baby boys by myself. I had to give them their meds, keep an eye on their monitors and hook up oxygen for nursing, as well as change diapers and record vitals. I didn't sleep well that night. The next day I brought them home. This was a great relief to me but also stressful. I think I looked at my horse that day from the window. Nope, no foal.
Monday came. I juggled babies and kids and tried to start a routine with the new little ones. The babies happened to be sleeping and I was talking to Aunt Julia- Paul's aunt. I happened to be looking out the sliding glass door, watching my kids in the pasture, when suddenly, I became distracted from my phone call. Romy was acting funny. She was laying down! It was only 7 PM. I got off the phone and went to have a look. Lo and behold, my mare was in labor! We gathered the family together, called a few friends and went to watch this amazing moment.
A big colt was born about 45 minutes later.
Now the reason I wanted to share this story is because I believe this was a tender mercy given to me from the Lord. The miracle of the story is that Romy gave birth during the day when the boys were sleeping, it was warm and light out, and I was able to share it with my family and friends and I didn't miss it!! I also must mention how incredibly my little boys are doing. They are so healthy.
I still am trying to figure out why it is that God gave me this moment. I think the biggest thing I learned from this is that God knows us each intimately. He knows our hopes and dreams. He has given me a memory to lean on when I have doubts and difficult moments. I know of a surety that he loves ME. I hope that the intent of this story is conveyed to you the reader and that it gives you a sense of hope. I also pray that each of you will know how much the Lord loves you.
Now if I could always remember that feeling!
May we turn to the Lord and strengthen our faith in His merciful Plan of Salvation.
I
The foundation of my belief began with the creation. As a child, I used to go outside in the morning and wander through the backyard enjoying the spring sun rays lighting up the tulips, daffodils and spring grass. There was a little patch of violets and some wild roses. We had a little crab-apple tree and pear tree that I remember fertilizing because I thought that would make them grow better. At least make the crab-apples taste like juicy sweet apples?!
My mother gave me a plot in the family garden. I was so disappointed when my zinnias didn't grow very well (mine was in the shadier part). My twin brothers plot was a miracle-grow commercial. We had a beautiful lilac tree that I would wait impatiently to bloom each spring. I knew every corner of our little yard. I would dig through the dirt examining the potato bugs, worms and slugs breathing in the warm scented air. We would play for hours on the tire awing, playing matchbox cars in the dirt and pretending we lived in the Amazon rainforest.
I would incessantly bug my parents for animals but they only conceded to hamsters. I would sneak cats into the house which inadvertently caused an nasty explosion in the flea population. My dad suffered through it silently. I would constantly dream of horses running through my backyard. I had an imaginary horse named Sundusk that lived in the covered porch outside my second story room. He had beautiful flowing flaxen mane and tail contrasting with a chestnut body. Eventually (when I was all grown up) I was able to own cats, dogs, chickens, goats, and horses.
I knew these were gifts from above and I reveled in the beauty of God's creations.
I have always loved Spring because of the renewal of life and the increasing light that shines forth longer each day. My spirits rise when it is sunny outside and my body is invigorated by the light. Many times I have considered the solitary life bringing essence of the sun. If there was one thing that I could choose to contemplate and know that God exists, it is simply the sun. The symbolism for Christ is inherent.
Sun: life bringer: Son
Sun: light: Son
Sun: warmth: Son
Sun: healer: Son
Sun: energy: Son
Sun: center: Son
The stars have also fascinated me and as I have learned more about them and the immensity of space, the billions of stars and millions of galaxies, my feeble mind can hardly comprehend the majesty of our great Creator. And His sole purpose? Us!
to bring to pass the c immortality and d eternal e life of man.
Moses 1:39
The following is an example of a tender mercy the Lord has given me:
written July 27, 2008
I found out I was pregnant in September '06. Not too much later, I called the doctor crying because I was bleeding. He had me schedule an ultrasound. To my utter amazement, not only was I still pregnant, but there were two. TWO pepperoni's. All my planning flew out the window. During the ensuing months, I tried to imagine how I would witness the birth of my foal (one of my greatest desires) knowing that my due date and my horses due date were about the same time.
Life continued. I got bigger. My mare got bigger. She ate, slept, drank and relaxed. I ate, drank, chased six kids, didn't sleep so well and got HUGE. I was put on modified bed rest starting my 28th week. Since I wasn't going to be able to do anything during that time, I made sure everything was taken care of beforehand, including cleaning the entire living room and shopping for another car-seat a few days before the deadline. I remember walking around babyrus thinking how much it hurt- not like the other babies of mine.
Needless to say, I must have been doing too much and my body started going into labor. Thankfully, my mother was at my house that Sunday night, helping out. Paul and I left for the hospital and the rest is history. Two cute little baby boys were born in the wee hours of the morning, eleven weeks too early. I remember leaving the hospital when I was checked out two days later, thinking: will I bring these little babies home? Paul and I were afraid.
I spent the next ten weeks going to the hospital once a day, pumping every three to four hours, trying to take care of my other wee ones and sometimes thinking about my little mare. At least, I thought, I won't be lugging a pregnant body down to the barnyard to foal watch. During this time, I pleaded with the Lord that my boys would be OK. I also asked God if it would be alright to see Romy's baby born. I wasn't sure if he heard me but I hoped I would be able to.
The last couple days before the boys came home were very busy. I was going to the hospital twice a day and would soon stay at the hospital two nights in a row. Bryce was also baptized the day before the boys came home. Oh, and Romy still hadn't foaled out. She was two weeks over her due date.
I would go out to check on her after I came home from the hospital and watch her for about half an hour before I would give up to try and get some sleep before the next pumping. I got to where I just told myself to expect a baby in the morning (the majority of foals are born during the night- a storm and full moon help too).
I spent the night at the hospital on Sat to practice taking care of the baby boys by myself. I had to give them their meds, keep an eye on their monitors and hook up oxygen for nursing, as well as change diapers and record vitals. I didn't sleep well that night. The next day I brought them home. This was a great relief to me but also stressful. I think I looked at my horse that day from the window. Nope, no foal.
Monday came. I juggled babies and kids and tried to start a routine with the new little ones. The babies happened to be sleeping and I was talking to Aunt Julia- Paul's aunt. I happened to be looking out the sliding glass door, watching my kids in the pasture, when suddenly, I became distracted from my phone call. Romy was acting funny. She was laying down! It was only 7 PM. I got off the phone and went to have a look. Lo and behold, my mare was in labor! We gathered the family together, called a few friends and went to watch this amazing moment.
A big colt was born about 45 minutes later.
Now the reason I wanted to share this story is because I believe this was a tender mercy given to me from the Lord. The miracle of the story is that Romy gave birth during the day when the boys were sleeping, it was warm and light out, and I was able to share it with my family and friends and I didn't miss it!! I also must mention how incredibly my little boys are doing. They are so healthy.
I still am trying to figure out why it is that God gave me this moment. I think the biggest thing I learned from this is that God knows us each intimately. He knows our hopes and dreams. He has given me a memory to lean on when I have doubts and difficult moments. I know of a surety that he loves ME. I hope that the intent of this story is conveyed to you the reader and that it gives you a sense of hope. I also pray that each of you will know how much the Lord loves you.
Now if I could always remember that feeling!
May we turn to the Lord and strengthen our faith in His merciful Plan of Salvation.
I
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Recent books I have read
The following is an open ended list of books and articles that I have read recently. These books have been especially meaningful. I believe they have helped me and will continue to help me better myself. I will add beneficial books to this list as I read them.
The Book of Mormon
This is a book I will continually read over and over again until its powerful message is etched forever in my soul. As I read, I feel the Spirit testifying of the truthfulness of the revelations contained within.
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
This book gives one a glimpse of the strength of the simple truth, that we are all of great worth, and how one man internalized that truth and lived through enormous challenges becoming better because of it.
The Message by Lance Richardson
This book had been in our house for quite a while (this man's son was on my son's football team) before I picked it up to read. From the moment I started to read, the Spirit flowed from the pages. It's message is powerful and helped me desire to become better.
What Happy People Know by Dan Baker
This book is a life changer for those who grew up with faulty ideas on how to be truly happy.
The Disciplined Life by Richard Taylor
I read this book in book group. It is a great reminder of how it is better to have discipline in life then to be tossed by the storms of life.
Behold the Lamb of God by J. Reuben Clark
This book helps one to see the greatness of our Creator, Teacher, Redeemer and Advocate. It adds another facet to the multi-hued gem that is our Savior.
to be continued
The Book of Mormon
This is a book I will continually read over and over again until its powerful message is etched forever in my soul. As I read, I feel the Spirit testifying of the truthfulness of the revelations contained within.
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
This book gives one a glimpse of the strength of the simple truth, that we are all of great worth, and how one man internalized that truth and lived through enormous challenges becoming better because of it.
The Message by Lance Richardson
This book had been in our house for quite a while (this man's son was on my son's football team) before I picked it up to read. From the moment I started to read, the Spirit flowed from the pages. It's message is powerful and helped me desire to become better.
What Happy People Know by Dan Baker
This book is a life changer for those who grew up with faulty ideas on how to be truly happy.
The Disciplined Life by Richard Taylor
I read this book in book group. It is a great reminder of how it is better to have discipline in life then to be tossed by the storms of life.
Behold the Lamb of God by J. Reuben Clark
This book helps one to see the greatness of our Creator, Teacher, Redeemer and Advocate. It adds another facet to the multi-hued gem that is our Savior.
to be continued
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Breaking out
I am 39 years old and have struggled my entire life with writing down my feelings. When I have a problem in my life I start to batten down the hatches and I go into survival mode. The last thing I want to do is share. That includes writing things down. I think that if I write it down it is evidence of my failures. Well, I want to turn that thinking on its head so here I am doing exactly what I don't want to do. I think that it is for a good purpose, though. I can write down what I experience and hopefully be able to track some progression in my life.
I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis in August of 2012. This was a large factor in deciding it was time to get my life in order (ie: regrasping the iron rod).
A few months earlier, in May I woke up with numbness in my foot. Each day, it progressively got worse, climbing up my leg until my entire leg was numb, from my hip and lower back to my foot. When I walked on wet grass or a cold ladder, the nerves in my foot would zing with exaggerated signals. My thinking seemed muddled and the words coming out of my mouth would get garbled. I was very tired during this time and when I would walk the dog, I needed to walk really slowly. I remember before this happened that my muscles in my leg would quiver as I crouched in the garden weeding. If I worked too hard in the heat I would feel foggy and overheated. This happened a couple times while I was working my horses.
I finally got in to see a neurologist and after listening to my symptoms and doing a nerve test in the office, he sent me to get some MRI's. I was worried about what that would be like. They said you can take Valium but would have to go in a bit early and have someone drive you home. There was a friend who offered to come with me and I knew my husband would go if I asked. But I had a distinct impression that I should ask my mother to go with me. She happened to be in town from GA for a bit. I remember arguing with myself about not wanting to take her because my relationship with her was not great. I relented.
This was one of the most precious times I spent with my mother. Because of my vulnerability, my heart was softened and I allowed her to help me. We had an amazingly bonding time. We talked about her marriage struggles with her now ex-husband and I let down my barriers as a prepared for my MRI. We buoyed each other up in our trials. From that moment on, the Lord blessed me with complete forgiveness toward my mother and all the bitterness I had been holding on to for years completely melted away. What an absolute miracle.
I have been injecting Copaxone daily since my diagnosis. It is difficult to do since it isn't the most pleasant of things and the injection site usually burns for about 15 minutes afterwards. But I try to get to work around the house right after to get my mind occupied. It hasn't gotten too much easier. Paying the bill has added to the burden. . .
When I first learned that I had MS, I would walk around the house thinking: "I have MS! I have MS!" I realized that I couldn't let this malady dictate my life. Before I got to this point though, I prayed mightily to my Savior to help me with this trial. I reread my patriarchal blessing that promises I will have sufficient health and strength during my mortal probation and that I will want for no needed blessing. This has brought me much strength and compounded my faith in Christ.
Another factor that has helped my get my life in order was accepting the calling of Relief Society secretary in my ward. The ladies I was able to work with were such great examples to me and the love I felt seeping from their very souls invigorated me into reaffirming my love of my Savior and recommitting to following his example.
I want to relate another huge step I took towards putting my life in order:
I started playing a game online called Neverwinter Nights on a server called Higher Ground in 2006. It was really fun but I was warned by a tongue in cheek disclaimer that because of its addicting nature it may cause one to lose ones job. Mentally I laughed it off but after too many years of playing and struggling to quit, I wish that I had listened to that first warning and run out the door without my cloak.
I now know that making mistakes are a integral part of this life and that we can learn from our experiences if we choose to. That being said, I would not trade what I have learned from this challenge.
I came to realize that I was trying to go through my life on my own strength. I grew up in a family where tacitly, ultra-independence was modeled and thinking if you asked for help you were weak. On the flip side, I was taught to work hard and improve myself daily. When one thinks you have to do all this life stuff on your own power, it gets a little overwhelming. I have eight kids, the last two twin cabooses. It can be a little chaotic here.
I mentally checked out.
In a recent talk given on March 3, 2013, Sister Bednar stated exactly what happened to me:
“Many young adults become disillusioned, disheartened, and discouraged because events they thought would happen in their lives have not yet occurred,” she said. “Some mistakenly believe that if God hasn't given them the happiness or blessings they were hoping for or thought they deserve, that He doesn't care. To show their displeasure with God, some lose faith, dishonor covenants, put their trust in worldly pleasures, and turn from God to self. Instead of having feet to follow the path of righteousness, they deviate from the gospel plan, wander off, and become lost. We all know someone who is off the path.”
I was angry at God for my situation in life. There were a few factors that played into my feelings but I took the bitter direction instead of leaning into my trials. I turned away from God, blaming him, instead of reaching for His ever out-stretched arm. I became resentful toward my family and quit trying to connect. I became withdrawn and consumed making a "life" playing my computer drug.
Deep down inside I knew I wasn't walking the path of happiness. My addiction was completely egocentric. All my focus was on reaching ephemeral goals built on imaginary pixellations. None of it was real. Reality was that my marriage and family were falling apart.
There were a few times that I tried to quit but I knew deep down that the only true method would be to have everything deleted: game, keys, server vault and all physical copies and records trashed.
I marvel at just how easy it was to finally go for it. It's like when you are laying in bed, and all the sudden you get up without consciously deciding to get up. Everything was gone in about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief but I probably went through a kind of withdrawal period of about 2 weeks. This was near the end of September. I can only imagine the many prayers sent up to heaven on my behalf.
It was during these months that I realized I was doing things all wrong. I read the talk "The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality" by Elder Bednar. Through this testimony, I began to see how I was doing things on my own strength instead of calling upon the Lord to bless and strengthen me. This concept was still in an infant stage.
Not very long afterwards, I took some neighbors to ride my horses who had some Chinese exchange students staying with them. We all trekked down to the pasture and enjoyed a great morning, riding Shadow and Romy. When I was untacking the horses, I realized that I had lost my phone out of my back pocket somewhere in the pasture (To this day, I have no idea why I even put it there. I know better). We all searched and searched the tall grass for about 30 minutes. I told the Lord that He knew I would keep searching until I found the phone. I started to get tired and it was getting hotter. Not much longer my thoughts began to wonder if it would ever be found and I was starting to feel hopeless. It was at this point that I gave the entire problem over to the Lord's hands. I saw in my mind a picture of myself longing Romy before we rode. I walked straight toward where that was and before I had walked more then 10 steps, there was my phone. I never did reach the area I saw in my head. The phone was on vibrate but the volume was very low. There were about 40 missed calls. We ended the search as we had started it, with a prayer of gratitude. I truly felt like the Lord was watching over me and cared about me enough to help me find a stupid cell phone. This incident has increase my testimony that God knows each of us and cares about the little details in our life.
Two other things that have helped me realign my life were reading the Book of Mormon in 2012 and finishing it a couple days before Christmas. Also, going to the Brigham City Temple open house with my family and going to the dedication were very meaningful. I also went to the Provo temple for a Relief Society Stake temple night after a long hiatus. We listened to the 2nd Counselor of the Provo temple presidency speak. It was marvelous and soul expanding.
I know that the Lord has helped me to take these steps to repent and draw closer to him. I have experienced life filled with darkness and despair and I do not want to face life's tests again without the strength of my Redeemer. I know He Lives and Loves us all.
I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis in August of 2012. This was a large factor in deciding it was time to get my life in order (ie: regrasping the iron rod).
A few months earlier, in May I woke up with numbness in my foot. Each day, it progressively got worse, climbing up my leg until my entire leg was numb, from my hip and lower back to my foot. When I walked on wet grass or a cold ladder, the nerves in my foot would zing with exaggerated signals. My thinking seemed muddled and the words coming out of my mouth would get garbled. I was very tired during this time and when I would walk the dog, I needed to walk really slowly. I remember before this happened that my muscles in my leg would quiver as I crouched in the garden weeding. If I worked too hard in the heat I would feel foggy and overheated. This happened a couple times while I was working my horses.
I finally got in to see a neurologist and after listening to my symptoms and doing a nerve test in the office, he sent me to get some MRI's. I was worried about what that would be like. They said you can take Valium but would have to go in a bit early and have someone drive you home. There was a friend who offered to come with me and I knew my husband would go if I asked. But I had a distinct impression that I should ask my mother to go with me. She happened to be in town from GA for a bit. I remember arguing with myself about not wanting to take her because my relationship with her was not great. I relented.
This was one of the most precious times I spent with my mother. Because of my vulnerability, my heart was softened and I allowed her to help me. We had an amazingly bonding time. We talked about her marriage struggles with her now ex-husband and I let down my barriers as a prepared for my MRI. We buoyed each other up in our trials. From that moment on, the Lord blessed me with complete forgiveness toward my mother and all the bitterness I had been holding on to for years completely melted away. What an absolute miracle.
I have been injecting Copaxone daily since my diagnosis. It is difficult to do since it isn't the most pleasant of things and the injection site usually burns for about 15 minutes afterwards. But I try to get to work around the house right after to get my mind occupied. It hasn't gotten too much easier. Paying the bill has added to the burden. . .
When I first learned that I had MS, I would walk around the house thinking: "I have MS! I have MS!" I realized that I couldn't let this malady dictate my life. Before I got to this point though, I prayed mightily to my Savior to help me with this trial. I reread my patriarchal blessing that promises I will have sufficient health and strength during my mortal probation and that I will want for no needed blessing. This has brought me much strength and compounded my faith in Christ.
Another factor that has helped my get my life in order was accepting the calling of Relief Society secretary in my ward. The ladies I was able to work with were such great examples to me and the love I felt seeping from their very souls invigorated me into reaffirming my love of my Savior and recommitting to following his example.
I want to relate another huge step I took towards putting my life in order:
I started playing a game online called Neverwinter Nights on a server called Higher Ground in 2006. It was really fun but I was warned by a tongue in cheek disclaimer that because of its addicting nature it may cause one to lose ones job. Mentally I laughed it off but after too many years of playing and struggling to quit, I wish that I had listened to that first warning and run out the door without my cloak.
I now know that making mistakes are a integral part of this life and that we can learn from our experiences if we choose to. That being said, I would not trade what I have learned from this challenge.
I came to realize that I was trying to go through my life on my own strength. I grew up in a family where tacitly, ultra-independence was modeled and thinking if you asked for help you were weak. On the flip side, I was taught to work hard and improve myself daily. When one thinks you have to do all this life stuff on your own power, it gets a little overwhelming. I have eight kids, the last two twin cabooses. It can be a little chaotic here.
I mentally checked out.
In a recent talk given on March 3, 2013, Sister Bednar stated exactly what happened to me:
“Many young adults become disillusioned, disheartened, and discouraged because events they thought would happen in their lives have not yet occurred,” she said. “Some mistakenly believe that if God hasn't given them the happiness or blessings they were hoping for or thought they deserve, that He doesn't care. To show their displeasure with God, some lose faith, dishonor covenants, put their trust in worldly pleasures, and turn from God to self. Instead of having feet to follow the path of righteousness, they deviate from the gospel plan, wander off, and become lost. We all know someone who is off the path.”
I was angry at God for my situation in life. There were a few factors that played into my feelings but I took the bitter direction instead of leaning into my trials. I turned away from God, blaming him, instead of reaching for His ever out-stretched arm. I became resentful toward my family and quit trying to connect. I became withdrawn and consumed making a "life" playing my computer drug.
Deep down inside I knew I wasn't walking the path of happiness. My addiction was completely egocentric. All my focus was on reaching ephemeral goals built on imaginary pixellations. None of it was real. Reality was that my marriage and family were falling apart.
There were a few times that I tried to quit but I knew deep down that the only true method would be to have everything deleted: game, keys, server vault and all physical copies and records trashed.
I marvel at just how easy it was to finally go for it. It's like when you are laying in bed, and all the sudden you get up without consciously deciding to get up. Everything was gone in about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief but I probably went through a kind of withdrawal period of about 2 weeks. This was near the end of September. I can only imagine the many prayers sent up to heaven on my behalf.
It was during these months that I realized I was doing things all wrong. I read the talk "The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality" by Elder Bednar. Through this testimony, I began to see how I was doing things on my own strength instead of calling upon the Lord to bless and strengthen me. This concept was still in an infant stage.
Not very long afterwards, I took some neighbors to ride my horses who had some Chinese exchange students staying with them. We all trekked down to the pasture and enjoyed a great morning, riding Shadow and Romy. When I was untacking the horses, I realized that I had lost my phone out of my back pocket somewhere in the pasture (To this day, I have no idea why I even put it there. I know better). We all searched and searched the tall grass for about 30 minutes. I told the Lord that He knew I would keep searching until I found the phone. I started to get tired and it was getting hotter. Not much longer my thoughts began to wonder if it would ever be found and I was starting to feel hopeless. It was at this point that I gave the entire problem over to the Lord's hands. I saw in my mind a picture of myself longing Romy before we rode. I walked straight toward where that was and before I had walked more then 10 steps, there was my phone. I never did reach the area I saw in my head. The phone was on vibrate but the volume was very low. There were about 40 missed calls. We ended the search as we had started it, with a prayer of gratitude. I truly felt like the Lord was watching over me and cared about me enough to help me find a stupid cell phone. This incident has increase my testimony that God knows each of us and cares about the little details in our life.
Two other things that have helped me realign my life were reading the Book of Mormon in 2012 and finishing it a couple days before Christmas. Also, going to the Brigham City Temple open house with my family and going to the dedication were very meaningful. I also went to the Provo temple for a Relief Society Stake temple night after a long hiatus. We listened to the 2nd Counselor of the Provo temple presidency speak. It was marvelous and soul expanding.
I know that the Lord has helped me to take these steps to repent and draw closer to him. I have experienced life filled with darkness and despair and I do not want to face life's tests again without the strength of my Redeemer. I know He Lives and Loves us all.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Back in Action
This blog is a continuation of the one I started in 2007 when my twins were born at 29 weeks. When I started it, I used my husband's gmail account: nelsonranch.blogspot.com. I posted every so often pretty faithfully but stopped when I became overwhelmed with my life. I wasn't very excited about sharing when I was angry with my life and not living my life how I should have.
Well, I am back in action and thought it would be easier to use my own gmail now. In this blog I will share the craziness of raising 8 kids, the joys and struggles of having said kiddos and share how the Lord has blessed me and my family.
I am in a much better place now then a couple years ago and may share some of the things I have learned since my first blogs. What I do want to share right now is that I was trying to live my life on my own strength alone and when life got difficult, I angrily turned from the Lord and "checked out." I knew this was not the correct thing to do but I didn't care. I was going to throw a tantrum (no kicking and screaming. . .well mostly. . .but a tantrum none the less). Sadly my family suffered because of it. Thankfully they are fairly resilient and we are now working to realign our family life.
Well, I am back in action and thought it would be easier to use my own gmail now. In this blog I will share the craziness of raising 8 kids, the joys and struggles of having said kiddos and share how the Lord has blessed me and my family.
I am in a much better place now then a couple years ago and may share some of the things I have learned since my first blogs. What I do want to share right now is that I was trying to live my life on my own strength alone and when life got difficult, I angrily turned from the Lord and "checked out." I knew this was not the correct thing to do but I didn't care. I was going to throw a tantrum (no kicking and screaming. . .well mostly. . .but a tantrum none the less). Sadly my family suffered because of it. Thankfully they are fairly resilient and we are now working to realign our family life.
There were quite a few factors that played into my turning back to the Lord but I can testify that He will bless you with the strength and abilities to do His work as we turn to Him:
For behold, this is my work and my glory—
to bring to pass the immortality
and eternal life of man.
Pearl of Great Price 1:39.
That's my job too! As a mother, I participate in this same work. Everything I do has this focus. I know that it is a night and day difference from then to now and I never want to go back to that. The happiness, strength and light I have now is incredible. Once you experience the difference, it's life changing. I still have light-years to go but at least I am on the right path again.
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