Breaking out

I am 39 years old and have struggled my entire life with writing down my feelings.  When I have a problem in my life I start to batten down the hatches and I go into survival mode.  The last thing I want to do is share.  That includes writing things down. I think that if I write it down it is evidence of my failures.  Well, I want to turn that thinking on its head so here I am doing exactly what I don't want to do. I think that it is for a good purpose, though. I can write down what I experience and hopefully be able to track some progression in my life.

I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis in August of 2012.  This was a large factor in deciding it was time to get my life in order (ie: regrasping the iron rod).

A few months earlier, in May I woke up with numbness in my foot. Each day, it progressively got worse, climbing up my leg until my entire leg was numb, from my hip and lower back to my foot. When I walked on wet grass or a cold ladder, the nerves in my foot would zing with exaggerated signals.  My thinking seemed muddled and the words coming out of my mouth would get garbled.  I was very tired during this time and when I would walk the dog, I needed to walk really slowly. I remember before this happened that my muscles in my leg would quiver as I crouched in the garden weeding.  If I worked too hard in the heat I would feel foggy and overheated. This happened a couple times while I was working my horses.

I finally got in to see a neurologist and after listening to my symptoms and doing a nerve test in the office, he sent me to get some MRI's. I was worried about what that would be like.  They said you can take Valium but would have to go in a bit early and have someone drive you home.  There was a friend who offered to come with me and I knew my husband would go if I asked. But I had a distinct impression that I should ask my mother to go with me.  She happened to be in town from GA for a bit.  I remember arguing with myself about not wanting to take her because my relationship with her was not great. I relented.

This was one of the most precious times I spent with my mother.  Because of my vulnerability, my heart was softened and I allowed her to help me.  We had an amazingly bonding time.  We talked about her marriage struggles with her now ex-husband and I let down my barriers as a prepared for my MRI.  We buoyed each other up in our trials.  From that moment on, the Lord blessed me with complete forgiveness toward my mother and all the bitterness I had been holding on to for years completely melted away. What an absolute miracle.

I have been injecting Copaxone daily since my diagnosis.  It is difficult to do since it isn't the most pleasant of things and the injection site usually burns for about 15 minutes afterwards.  But I try to get to work around the house right after to get my mind occupied. It hasn't gotten too much easier.  Paying the bill has added to the burden. . .

When I first learned that I had MS, I would walk around the house thinking: "I have MS! I have MS!" I realized that I couldn't let this malady dictate my life. Before I got to this point though, I prayed mightily to my Savior to help me with this trial.  I reread my patriarchal blessing that promises I will have sufficient health and strength during my mortal probation and that I will want for no needed blessing. This has brought me much strength and compounded my faith in Christ.

Another factor that has helped my get my life in order was accepting the calling of Relief Society secretary in my ward.  The ladies I was able to work with were such great examples to me and the love I felt seeping from their very souls invigorated me into reaffirming my love of my Savior and recommitting to following his example.

I want to relate another huge step I took towards putting my life in order:

I started playing a game online called Neverwinter Nights on a server called Higher Ground in 2006.  It was really fun but I was warned by a tongue in cheek disclaimer that because of its addicting nature it may cause one to lose ones job.  Mentally I laughed it off but after too many years of playing and struggling to quit, I wish that I had listened to that first warning and run out the door without my cloak.

I now know that making mistakes are a integral part of this life and that we can learn from our experiences if we choose to.  That being said, I would not trade what I have learned from this challenge.

I came to realize that I was trying to go through my life on my own strength.  I grew up in a family where tacitly, ultra-independence was modeled and thinking if you asked for help you were weak. On the flip side, I was taught to work hard and improve myself daily. When one thinks you have to do all this life stuff on your own power, it gets a little overwhelming.  I have eight kids, the last two twin cabooses. It can be a little chaotic here.

I mentally checked out. 

In a recent talk given on March 3, 2013, Sister Bednar stated exactly what happened to me:

“Many young adults become disillusioned, disheartened, and discouraged because events they thought would happen in their lives have not yet occurred,” she said. “Some mistakenly believe that if God hasn't given them the happiness or blessings they were hoping for or thought they deserve, that He doesn't care. To show their displeasure with God, some lose faith, dishonor covenants, put their trust in worldly pleasures, and turn from God to self. Instead of having feet to follow the path of righteousness, they deviate from the gospel plan, wander off, and become lost. We all know someone who is off the path.” 

I was angry at God for my situation in life.  There were a few factors that played into my feelings but I took the bitter direction instead of leaning into my trials. I turned away from God, blaming him, instead of reaching for His ever out-stretched arm. I became resentful toward my family and quit trying to connect. I became withdrawn and consumed making a "life" playing my computer drug.

Deep down inside I knew I wasn't walking the path of happiness.  My addiction was completely egocentric. All my focus was on reaching ephemeral goals built on imaginary pixellations. None of it was real.  Reality was that my marriage and family were falling apart.

There were a few times that I tried to quit but I knew deep down that the only true method would be to have everything deleted: game, keys, server vault and all physical copies and records trashed. 

I marvel at just how easy it was to finally go for it. It's like when you are laying in bed, and all the sudden you get up without consciously deciding to get up.  Everything was gone in about 5 minutes. It was a huge relief but I probably went through a kind of withdrawal period of about 2 weeks. This was near the end of September. I can only imagine the many prayers sent up to heaven on my behalf.

It was during these months that I realized I was doing things all wrong. I read the talk "The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality" by Elder Bednar. Through this testimony, I began to see how I was doing things on my own strength instead of calling upon the Lord to bless and strengthen me. This concept was still in an infant stage.

Not very long afterwards, I took some neighbors to ride my horses who had some Chinese exchange students staying with them.  We all trekked down to the pasture and enjoyed a great morning, riding Shadow and Romy. When I was untacking the horses, I realized that I had lost my phone out of my back pocket somewhere in the pasture (To this day, I have no idea why I even put it there. I know better). We all searched and searched the tall grass for about 30 minutes. I told the Lord that He knew I would keep searching until I found the phone. I started to get tired and it was getting hotter. Not much longer my thoughts began to wonder if it would ever be found and I was starting to feel hopeless.  It was at this point that I gave the entire problem over to the Lord's hands. I saw in my mind a picture of myself longing Romy before we rode.  I walked straight toward where that was and before I had walked more then 10 steps, there was my phone. I never did reach the area I saw in my head. The phone was on vibrate but the volume was very low. There were about 40 missed calls. We ended the search as we had started it, with a prayer of gratitude.  I truly felt like the Lord was watching over me and cared about me enough to help me find a stupid cell phone.  This incident has increase my testimony that God knows each of us and cares about the little details in our life.


Two other things that have helped me realign my life were reading the Book of Mormon in 2012 and finishing it a couple days before Christmas.  Also, going to the Brigham City Temple open house with my family and going to the dedication were very meaningful.  I also went to the Provo temple for a Relief Society Stake temple night after a long hiatus. We listened to the 2nd Counselor of the Provo temple presidency speak. It was marvelous and soul expanding.

I know that the Lord has helped me to take these steps to repent and draw closer to him.  I have experienced life filled with darkness and despair and I do not want to face life's tests again without the strength of my Redeemer. I know He Lives and Loves us all.

Back in Action

         This blog is a continuation of the one I started in 2007 when my twins were born at 29 weeks. When I started it, I used my husband's gmail account: nelsonranch.blogspot.com.  I posted every so often pretty faithfully but stopped when I became overwhelmed with my life.  I wasn't very excited about sharing when I was angry with my life and not living my life how I should have. 
         Well, I am back in action and thought it would be easier to use my own gmail now. In this blog I will share the craziness of raising 8 kids, the joys and struggles of having said kiddos and share how the Lord has blessed me and my family.
         I am in a much better place now then a couple years ago and may share some of the things I have learned since my first blogs.  What I do want to share right now is that I was trying to live my life on my own strength alone and when life got difficult, I angrily turned from the Lord and "checked out." I knew this was not the correct thing to do but I didn't care. I was going to throw a tantrum (no kicking and screaming. . .well mostly. . .but a tantrum none the less).  Sadly my family suffered because of it.  Thankfully they are fairly resilient and we are now working to realign our family life.

       There were quite a few factors that played into my turning back to the Lord but I can testify that He will bless you with the strength and abilities to do His work as we turn to Him:

 For behold, this is my work and my glory—

to bring to pass the immortality

 and eternal life of man. 

Pearl of Great Price 1:39. 

That's my job too! As a mother, I participate in this same work.  Everything I do has this focus.  I know that it is a night and day difference from then to now and I never want to go back to that.  The happiness, strength and light I have now is incredible.  Once you experience the difference, it's life changing. I still have light-years to go but at least I am on the right path again.